The Nighttime No Sex Spiral

Derrick Hoard
Jul 31
3 min read

Updated: Sep 19

🛏️ The Nighttime No Sex Spiral

Why You're Scrolling Instead of Sleeping

“She’s right next to me, but it feels like she’s gone.”

If you’re reading this right now, I already know what kind of night it is.

You’re in bed. The lights are out. She’s asleep—or pretending to be. You reached for her. She didn’t move.

So now, you’re here.

On your phone.

Looking for something that makes this make sense.

You’re not horny. You’re hurt. You’re not angry. You’re confused. And under all of it? You feel unwanted. Like you don’t matter.

This Isn’t Just About Sex.

It’s About Feeling Chosen.

Sex is just the most obvious part. What you really want is to feel like she sees you. Like she’s not just tolerating you. Like she wants to be close—not just physically, but emotionally. Mentally. Soulfully.

But when that closeness disappears, your brain starts working overtime:

“Is she mad at me?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Has she just… stopped loving me?”

You’re not overthinking. You’re under-connected. And when connection is missing, you spiral.

So You Start Scrolling…

You don’t want porn. You don’t want a fight. You just want something to make the ache stop. Something that tells you you’re not crazy for feeling this way.

And you’re not.

This spiral you’re in? It’s one that millions of men fall into. Especially the ones trying their best. Especially the ones who stay. Especially the ones who were taught that being a good man meant never needing anything.

Let Me Say This Clearly:

You are allowed to want intimacy. You are allowed to want affection. You are allowed to say: “I’m lonely, even when she’s right here.”

And you don’t have to carry that feeling by yourself.

What You Can Try Tonight (Instead of Just Scrolling)

Pause. Breathe. Name it. “This is that spiral again. This is loneliness pretending to be logic.”
Don’t chase or punish. You don’t have to prove anything or withdraw in silence. Just stay grounded.
Tomorrow, when it’s light, try something different. Not a complaint. A question:
“Can I ask you something that’s been on my mind for a while?” “I miss how close we used to feel.”

If This Keeps Happening…

It’s not just a “dry spell.” It’s a signal.

Something is off in the way the two of you relate. And the truth is: you can't fix this by trying harder to be ‘good.’

You’ve already been good. You’ve already done the things. What you need now is to feel safe being real.

You’re Not Weak for Wanting Her.

You’re Human.

This spiral isn’t here to shame you. It’s here to wake you up to the fact that you deserve more than silent rejection and emotional starvation.

The question is—are you ready to do something different?

🧱 Start by Looking at the Blueprint You Were Given

Because chances are, this isn’t just about tonight. It’s about the role you’ve been playing for years.

The strong one. The provider. The protector. The “man of the house.”

And maybe that role is the very thing keeping you from feeling truly loved.

🧠 ➡️ [Read next: Man of the House Syndrome: The Role That’s Draining You]

🧠 ➡️ [Read next: Why She Thinks You Are The Enemy]

Learn why the version of masculinity you’ve been performing might be the reason she doesn’t feel safe being close to you anymore.