Pursuing and Withdrawing in LGBTQ+ Couples

When we talk about couples’ therapy, a common dynamic that often surfaces is what’s known as the pursuing-withdrawing cycle. One partner tends to seek connection and resolution (the “pursuer”), while the other retreats or shuts down to preserve peace or self-protection (the “withdrawer”).

This dynamic is powerful and universal—but let’s be clear: it is not about gender.

Many therapy models describe this cycle using traditional heterosexual terms, often naming women as the pursuers and men as the withdrawers. While that may mirror the experience of some couples, it certainly doesn’t apply to all, and it’s a disservice to suggest otherwise.

Relationships Are Complex. So Are People.

I’ve had the privilege of working with lesbian, gay, transgender, and polyamorous couples—and I’ve seen the same pattern emerge in all kinds of relationships, regardless of gender identity, sexual orientation, or relationship structure.

What’s most important is not who pursues or withdraws, but why those roles develop and how they serve to protect emotional needs. In many cases, these roles are adaptations to past experiences, attachment styles, or deeply held beliefs about safety and connection.

Pursuing and Withdrawing Aren’t Flaws—They’re Signals

Rather than seeing one partner as “too much” or the other as “emotionally unavailable,” I help couples decode what these roles are trying to communicate. Pursuers often carry the fear of being abandoned or unheard. Withdrawers may carry the fear of being overwhelmed or criticized. Each is reaching for stability—just in different ways.

Therapy That Meets You Where You Are

I aim to make my practice a place where all couples feel seen regardless of your configuration of love.

While I’ve used traditional examples on parts of my website in the past, I recognize the importance of representation in language. Moving forward, I’ll be updating my content to better reflect the full spectrum of couples I work with—because you deserve to see yourself reflected in the space you’re invited into.

You Deserve a Therapist Who Gets It

If you’ve ever felt overlooked by therapy models that assume one kind of relationship, know this: your love, your communication struggles, your emotional patterns—they’re all valid. And they’re all worthy of being understood in a way that’s true to you.

Whether you're the one who pulls away or the one who reaches out, the cycle can change. And no matter what kind of relationship you're in, you don't have to go through it alone.

Ready to explore your own dynamic in a safe, affirming space?

Book a free consultation or send me a message—I’d love to hear your story.