You Can't Use Neurotypical Techniques in a Neurodivergent Relationship

So Close

By Derrick Hoard — Neurodivergent Relationship Therapist (WA) & Coach (Everywhere Else)

Let me just say this up front: I’m tired.

I’m tired of watching neurodivergent relationships fall apart because people are using the wrong tools. I’m tired of neurodivergent folks like me getting dragged into therapy rooms where the techniques being used assume things about us that aren’t true. And I’m especially tired of seeing therapists who don’t even realize they’re making it worse.

🔄 What Works “Out There” Doesn’t Always Work In Here

In neurotypical relationships, people lie to each other all the time.

They call it politeness.

They call it tact.

They call it “not rocking the boat.”

“What are you thinking about?”“Nothing.”(Lie.)

In neurodivergent relationships, we often actually answer that question.

“I’m thinking about the final boss in the game I played last night.” “Also whether the ramen place is still open.” “And, honestly? What you’d look like if you were cel-shaded.”

We don’t do small talk well. We do real. We do tangents. We do depth. And if the relationship is aligned? That’s not a problem—it’s the best part.

But when it’s misaligned?

When a neurodivergent person is in a relationship with someone neurotypical and they don’t know that’s what’s happening?

It can feel like psychological gaslighting in slow motion.

😬 Therapy Can Make It Worse (If the Therapist Doesn’t Know What They’re Doing)

Imagine being the neurodivergent partner in a mixed-neurotype relationship. You’re already exhausted, misunderstood, and overstimulated. Your partner says, “We need therapy.”

You show up.

And the therapist? Is also neurotypical.

And now? You’re being “explained” by two people who don’t speak your language.

You’re not trying to avoid chores. Y ou’re not “shutting down” to be controlling. You’re not emotionally unavailable. You just don’t process the world the same way they do. And no one in the room sees that.

These relationships can work. I’ve seen it. I help make it happen. But they require different techniques, different expectations, and most of all, a deep understanding of how neurodivergent people communicate trust, empathy, and intent.

🍽 Example: The Dishes Fight

Let’s break down a classic fight: “Who’s supposed to do the dishes?”

In a neurotypical couple, this fight is often about power, fairness, and image.It’s a debate. A battle over who’s right.

In a neurodivergent couple, it’s usually about trust and emotional safety.

• One person says, “I’ll do them later.”

• The other person is wondering, “Do they actually mean that? Or are they secretly mad at me? Or are they going to forget and then feel ashamed and spiral?”

The issue isn’t who’s right—it’s whether either of you feels safe enough to believe each other. And the reason that safety is fragile is because both of you have been in relationships where you weren’t believed, weren’t trusted, or weren’t treated as enough.

So now it’s not just about dishes. It’s about memory, trauma, and emotional code translation.

🔧 That’s Where I Come In

I don’t use neurotypical techniques with neurodivergent couples. Because they. don’t. work.

Instead, I teach people how to:

• Translate intentions instead of tone

• Identify emotional triggers that look like apathy but are actually shutdown

• Build rituals of trust instead of rules of fairness

• Navigate guilt without masking

• Separate executive dysfunction from laziness, and emotional flooding from indifference

This isn’t basic communication work.

It’s architecture.

I help you build a communication structure where your actual mind can live—without having to perform for someone else’s version of what “healthy” is supposed to look like.

💬 Final Thought

If you're in a relationship where it feels like you're always explaining, always getting it wrong, or always wondering why the connection breaks down even though you’re both trying—you’re not broken.

You’re probably just playing with the wrong rulebook.

And if you're ready to learn the real mechanics?

I’m here. If you're in Washington, we can do therapy.

If you're outside of it, we can coach.

Either way—we’ll build a system that works for your brain, not against it.

Let’s stop pretending neurotypical advice works for neurodivergent realities.

We’re not here to “pass.”

We’re here to connect—for real this time.

Learn More About My Approach