Why Your Husband Doesn't Listen To You, But Will Listen To Me
- Derrick Hoard
- Apr 10
- 3 min read
One of the most common—and deeply painful—frustrations I hear in couples therapy is this:
"Why does he listen to you, but not to me?"
The wife is often sitting on the couch beside her husband, arms folded, a mixture of exhaustion and resentment in her voice.
She’s spent years trying to get through. She’s repeated herself over and over again. And now, I say something that sounds almost identical to what she’s been saying—and suddenly, her husband is nodding. Engaged. Open.
And she’s hurt.
Understandably so.
She might ask herself:
Does he not care when I say it?
Am I not important enough?
Why does a stranger get the response I’ve been begging for?
Let me say this as gently as I can, and if I could, I’d hold your hand through it:
It’s not that he doesn’t care. It’s not that you’re not important. It’s that you’re exhausted—and your exhaustion is coming through your words.
Let me explain.
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Men Are Not Emotionless—They’re Often Emotionally Defensive
You’ve been taught that men are stoic, logical, cold, or emotionally unavailable.
But I work with men every day—and what I can tell you is this: they have feelings. Deep ones. They’re just not always good at showing them. Or handling yours.
Many men hear criticism where none was intended. They feel shame when they’re asked to change. They shut down when they feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, or attacked.
And no—you’re probably not attacking him. But when your words are laced with years of frustration and unmet emotional needs, that emotional charge can feel like a threat to someone who never learned how to navigate emotional conversations.
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You and I Aren’t Saying the Same Thing—Even If It Sounds Like It
What I say in session might sound similar to what you’ve said a hundred times.
But it’s not the same.
You might say:
"Why can’t you ever just listen to me?"
And I might say:
"I wonder what makes it difficult for you to feel safe enough to hear her."
See the difference?
Your words are valid—but they come from pain.
My words come from neutral ground. From training. From emotional distance that you, understandably, don’t have anymore.
It’s not that your message is wrong—it’s that the way it’s wrapped hits a wound he doesn’t know how to manage.
And this doesn’t mean you need to sugarcoat your truth.
But it does mean you may need to relearn how to communicate from a place that invites understanding, not defensiveness.
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You Shouldn’t Have to Be the Therapist in Your Marriage
Here’s the part that might surprise you:
I don’t want you to have to figure this out alone.
You’ve already been doing the emotional labor. You’ve already tried to hold the relationship together.
But trying harder isn’t the same as healing deeper.
Your husband isn’t listening to me because I’m smarter or more right than you.
He’s listening to me because he doesn’t associate me with years of emotional buildup, perceived failure, or the weight of past arguments.
I get to start with a clean slate.
You’ve been writing in the margins of the same worn-out book.
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So What Now?
If you’re reading this and feeling seen—maybe even called out a little—I want you to know that you’re not doing anything wrong.
But if you want to be heard, we have to shift the conversation from blame to curiosity.
From "Why don’t you ever listen?" to "What gets in the way of us hearing each other?"
Because you both deserve to be heard.
You both deserve compassion.
And neither of you has to be the villain to make progress.
If you’re tired of feeling alone in your relationship, therapy can help.
Let’s work together to rebuild the bridge between you, so that what you say doesn’t just echo—it finally lands.
Schedule your free consultation today.
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