Why Friends and Family Aren't the Help You Need For Your Relationship

This is about the extent of their help.

When facing challenges in their relationship, many couples turn to friends and family for advice instead of seeking professional help. While this might seem like a good idea, it’s often more harmful than helpful. Here’s why.

Your Loved Ones Are Not Objective

Your friends and family care about you, and that’s exactly why they can’t give you unbiased advice. They’re naturally inclined to take your side, even when you might be contributing to the problem. Additionally, when you explain your side of the story, it’s nearly impossible to present an impartial account of the situation—intentionally or not, you’ll filter events through your own perspective.

That means the feedback you receive is often skewed, reinforcing your own view rather than offering meaningful insight.

They Won’t Tell You When You’re the Problem

One of the hardest truths in any relationship is recognizing that sometimes, you are the problem. But friends and family rarely challenge this. Even if they sense that you might be in the wrong, they’ll likely soften their words or avoid saying anything that could hurt you. Their priority is maintaining their relationship with you, not necessarily giving you the hard truths you need to hear.

A good therapist, on the other hand, will tell you the truth—gently, but directly. Therapy isn’t about assigning blame, but about helping both partners see their roles in the relationship dynamic so real change can happen.

The Trap of “If You Didn’t Do X, I Wouldn’t Have Done Y”

In the relationships I specialize in, there’s an unspoken assumption that both partners tend to operate under:

"If you didn’t do X, I wouldn’t have done Y."

"I only did Y because you did X first."

This pattern turns into a cycle of justification—where yelling, withdrawing, shutting down, or stonewalling all become defensive reactions rather than personal choices.

It makes sense when framed as a simple equation. But when you replace X with “yelled at you” and Y with “withdrew from the conversation,” it becomes harder to accept. This is where couples get stuck—arguing about who is actually in the right rather than finding a way forward.

Therapy Creates a Shared Reality

One of the most important roles of a couples therapist is helping partners create a shared reality. When each person believes their version of events is the absolute truth, it becomes impossible to work together toward a solution. Therapy helps bridge this gap by introducing gentle but necessary pushback, allowing both partners to see where their perceptions may be incomplete or distorted.

Why Seeking External Advice Often Makes Things Worse

When one or both partners take their perspective to friends and family, they rarely get the kind of pushback necessary to challenge their assumptions. Instead, they receive validation and reinforcement for their own side of the story, making it even harder to come back to the relationship with an open mind.

This is why real progress happens in therapy, not in group chats or family dinners.

The Bottom Line

Your friends and family love you, but they aren’t equipped to help you navigate complex relationship challenges. If you’re serious about improving your relationship, you need a space where both you and your partner can be heard, challenged, and guided toward a shared reality.

That’s what therapy is for.

If you're ready to have the real conversations that lead to lasting change, schedule a free consultation today.