The Never-Ending Argument!
- Derrick Hoard
- May 27
- 3 min read
Updated: May 27
“Why Are We Fighting About the Dishes (Again)?”
You ever have the same argument so many times that you start to feel like you’re trapped in a relationship-themed episode of Groundhog Day?
It starts with a question like:
“Why didn’t you take the trash out?”
And ends with one partner Googling “Is my relationship doomed?” while the other is silently rage-eating pretzels on the couch.
If that sounds familiar, I promise you this: you're not broken, you're not crazy, and you're definitely not alone.
The Argument Isn’t About the Trash (It Never Was)
Look—couples don’t go to war over household chores. Not really. They go to war over what the chores represent:
“Do you see me?”
“Do I matter to you?”
“Am I alone in this relationship?”
“Are you going to make me ask for help... again?”
When these questions go unspoken (or worse—ignored), they turn into microwave-safe emotional grenades. And once they go off, the two of you are stuck in a cycle that feels way too familiar.
Welcome to the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dance
You know this one. One of you (hi, Pursuer 👋🏾) starts poking the emotional bear:
“We need to talk.”
“Why won’t you open up?”
“Seriously, how are you fine right now?”
Meanwhile, the other one (hello, Withdrawer 😶🌫️) is slowly turning into a human version of the ‘blue bubble is typing…’—just kind of… buffering. Disengaging. Pretending to scroll TikTok but not really watching anything.
Sound familiar?
This isn’t just you. This is a thing. A whole psychological dynamic that happens in a ton of relationships—especially the ones where love is real but stress, past baggage, and miscommunication have made everything feel… tense.
But Why Does This Happen?
Because you're both trying to survive in a way that used to work.
The Pursuer learned, probably early in life, that if you don’t speak up, you’ll be forgotten. So now they chase, question, and press because silence feels like abandonment.
The Withdrawer learned that emotions can be overwhelming or dangerous. So they pull back, go quiet, and “wait it out” because conflict feels like a trap.
And neither of you are wrong.
You're just stuck in a dynamic that rewards no one.
The Cycle is the Enemy—Not Each Other
Here’s the good news: it’s not about who’s right.
It’s about getting out of the loop.
You don’t need to solve everything overnight. But you do need to recognize when the milk-spilled-on-the-counter argument is secretly about feeling unappreciated, or unseen, or like your needs don’t matter.
And once you see that?You can start doing something different.
You Need a Referee (But Like, a Kind One)
If you’ve been trying to fix this on your own and you keep ending up in the same tired fight (or cold silence), it's not because you're failing. It's because this pattern lives in the relationship—like an uninvited third roommate who eats your snacks and ruins your intimacy.
Sometimes, you need someone who can see the pattern clearly and help you both break it without picking sides. That’s where couples therapy comes in. It's not about blaming. It's about translating, untangling, and reconnecting.
So if you're tired of being stuck in the same cycle—and you're ready to stop arguing about the damn dishes—I'm here.
Yes, I've been in the room with couples like you.
No, I’m not judging you.
Yes, I see the love underneath all the noise.
Let’s get you both out of this loop. Before the dishes start talking back.
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