Should I Try To Win Her Back After She Asked for a Divorce?
- Derrick Hoard
- Jan 14
- 7 min read
Every single man I have ever coached through divorce has asked this question. I have asked this question myself.
The answer is unequivocally no.
The truth is that there is absolutely nothing you can do or say right now that will convince her to take you back. And here is why.
The Pursuing-Withdrawing Dynamic
As a marriage therapist, I have worked with many couples and relationships. There is a specific dynamic involved with marital distress called pursuing and withdrawing. It is difficult to see when you are inside of it, but an economic example might help.
I am sure you understand supply and demand. When supply goes up, demand goes down. Pretty basic economics, right?
In a relationship, when one partner pursues, the other withdraws. And when one withdraws, the other pursues.
In a healthy relationship, this dynamic is simply a function of its existence. It's what defines a relationship - the natural ebb and flow of connection and space. But sometimes it becomes rigid. Stuck. And that's when things fall apart.
What Happens When Supply Gets Too High
Imagine what happens when supply gets too high in a market. The demand plummets. The value crashes. Nobody wants what you're offering because there's too much of it.
Now imagine what happens when demand gets too high or too desperate. Suppliers raise prices. They become selective. They have all the power because you've made it clear you need what they have.
The same thing is currently happening in your relationship.
Yes, it is still a relationship even though she has asked for a divorce. It is just a relationship where she has clearly stated she refuses to supply you with any more care, concern, and love.
So why would you keep demanding more?
What "Trying to Win Her Back" Actually Looks Like
Let me translate your behaviors into economic terms so you can see what's really happening:
When you:
Text her multiple times a day = flooding the market with your supply
Write long letters explaining how you'll change = desperate advertising of a product she's already rejected
Show up with flowers = giving away your product for free to someone who doesn't want it
Promise to go to therapy/change/be better = lowering your price to try to make a sale
Beg her to reconsider = proving you have zero leverage and she has all the power
What she sees: Your value dropping with every desperate move. Your stock price crashing in real-time. And every time you pursue, she withdraws further because you've confirmed exactly why she wanted to leave in the first place.
You're showing her that you're needy, desperate, unable to handle rejection, and willing to abandon your dignity to get her back. None of these things make someone want to return to a relationship.
Why The Market Dynamics Are Against You Right Now
Here's what you need to understand: She didn't make this decision overnight.
Even though it feels sudden to you, she's been thinking about this for months. Maybe years. She's already:
Grieved the marriage
Imagined her life without you
Made peace with the decision
Built up emotional walls to protect herself from your reaction
Prepared herself for your attempts to change her mind
She has already withdrawn from the relationship market. The supply of her affection, care, and investment is at zero. And you showing up demanding more isn't going to magically create supply - it's going to drive her further away.
When demand is desperate and supply is nonexistent, the market doesn't correct itself through MORE demand. It corrects through withdrawal and time.
The Paradox: Doing Something by Doing Nothing
Now here's where it gets interesting, and I'm going to leave this slightly ambiguous on purpose.
The only move that has ANY chance of creating space for reconciliation is to stop pursuing entirely.
Not as a manipulation tactic. Not as reverse psychology. But as a genuine step back that allows the pursuing-withdrawing dynamic to reset.
When you stop flooding the market with desperate supply, something shifts. When you stop demanding what she's made clear she won't provide, the pressure releases. When you withdraw your pursuit, sometimes - sometimes - the other person starts to wonder why.
But here's the critical part: You cannot do this with the goal of winning her back. Because if that's your motivation, she'll sense it. And it won't work.
You have to genuinely step back. Genuinely work on yourself. Genuinely accept that the relationship as it existed is over. Genuinely build a life that doesn't revolve around getting her to change her mind.
And ONLY then - if the conditions are right, if timing allows, if she does her own work - is there even a possibility of the market dynamics shifting.
What "Stepping Back" Actually Looks Like
This doesn't mean ghosting her or playing games. It means:
Stop:
Texting her about the relationship
Writing letters or emails trying to convince her
Showing up with grand gestures
Asking mutual friends to talk to her
Promising to change if she'll just give you another chance
Monitoring her social media obsessively
Making your entire life about winning her back
Start:
Respecting her decision even though it's devastating
Working with a lawyer to protect your interests
Going to therapy or coaching for YOU, not to prove something to her
Taking care of your physical and mental health
Rebuilding relationships with friends and family
Rediscovering who you are outside of this marriage
Living your life as if the reconciliation will never happen
Why this matters: If you do these things genuinely - not as a tactic but as actual healing and growth - you will be okay whether she comes back or not. And paradoxically, that's the only state of being that even creates CONDITIONS where reconciliation could theoretically happen.
But if you do these things JUST to manipulate her into coming back, it won't work. She'll see through it. And you'll have wasted time you could have spent actually healing.
The Truth About Reconciliation
As a relationship expert and someone who specializes in marriage dynamics, I can tell you exactly what needs to happen for reconciliation to even be possible:
Both people have to do significant individual work - not couples work, individual work
The pursuing-withdrawing dynamic has to completely reset - which takes months, not weeks
The reasons she wanted to leave have to actually change - not just promises, actual sustained change
She has to independently decide she wants to try again - you cannot convince her into it
Both people have to want a NEW relationship - not the old one, a completely different one
Even when ALL of these conditions are met, reconciliation is still the exception, not the rule.
Most relationships that end, stay ended. And that's not a bad thing - it's often the healthiest outcome for both people.
So What Should You Do Instead?
Accept that the relationship as it existed is over. Even if she changes her mind someday (unlikely), you can never go back to what it was.
Grieve it. Feel the devastation. Don't skip this part.
Get support. Therapy, coaching, friends, family. You cannot do this alone.
Focus on the only thing you can control: yourself.
Your healing
Your growth
Your patterns
Your future
Build a life worth living regardless of whether she's in it.
Let go of the outcome. Not because you don't care, but because holding on is destroying you.
The Painful Truth
I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. You wanted me to give you a roadmap for getting her back. You wanted the secret formula. The right words to say. The perfect gesture to make.
But here's what I can tell you from personal and professional experience:
If you focus on winning her back, you'll lose yourself in the process. And even if you somehow convince her to return, you'll be returning to a broken foundation that will
eventually collapse again.
If you focus on healing yourself and building a life you're proud of, you'll survive this. You might even thrive. And if reconciliation is meant to happen, it can only happen from that place of strength and wholeness.
The market dynamics are against you right now. The only move that makes sense - economically, psychologically, emotionally - is to stop playing the game you're currently playing.
Withdraw your demand. Stop flooding the market with desperate supply. Let the relationship breathe.
And work on yourself not because it might win her back, but because YOU deserve to come out of this better than you went in.
What Happens Next
The next 90 days will tell you everything you need to know.
If you step back and do genuine work on yourself, one of two things will happen:
She won't reach out, and you'll realize you're going to be okay anyway. You'll build a life that doesn't revolve around her. You'll discover parts of yourself you'd forgotten. You'll heal. This is the most common outcome and often the healthiest one.
She might reach out to check in, curious about why you've stopped pursuing. And IF this happens (big if), the ONLY way to handle it is with calm, confidence, and zero neediness. Not as a manipulation, but because you've genuinely been doing the work. Even then, reconciliation is a long shot and requires both people to want something entirely new.
But if you keep pursuing, if you keep demanding, if you keep trying to win her back right now?
You guarantee the first outcome with extra damage to yourself.
I Can Help You Navigate This
As someone who has been exactly where you are AND worked with dozens of men through this process, I can help you:
Understand the specific dynamics of YOUR relationship
Stop the pursuing behavior that's pushing her away
Build a genuine plan for healing and growth
Navigate the legal and practical realities
Avoid the mistakes that make everything worse
Create conditions where you'll be okay no matter what happens
This doesn't mean I can bring her back. No one can promise that, and anyone who does is lying to you.
But I CAN help you get through this without destroying yourself. I CAN help you understand what happened. And I CAN help you build a life that's worth living whether she's in it or not.
Let's talk about where you are and what happens next. Not to win her back - to win yourself back.
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