Inside Your ADHD Relationship

Hello Ladies!

Let’s dive into your relationship for a moment. Here’s the thing: there’s a lot you may be missing about your ADHD partner. Not “maybe” — definitely. And this isn’t on you; most of the advice out there on understanding men’s emotions comes from women, who, with all good intentions, often don’t have the full picture of what’s going on in men’s minds. Not buying it? Let me show you what I mean.

Scene: Your living room, dining room, or bedroom.

Your ADHD Partner: Sitting, silent, shoulders slumped, maybe staring off.

You: Preoccupied, glancing over and sensing something off.

You: “Hey babe, what’s wrong?”

Him: “Nothing.”

You: “Are you sure?”

Him: “Yes, babe, I’m just tired.”

You: “Okay.”

Fast forward a few weeks, and you’re expressing how you feel about something he didn’t do.

You: “I just feel like you never tell me how you feel.”

Him: “Well, you’re always pointing out what I do wrong. A couple of weeks ago, you yelled at me for not taking out the trash. It’s like you talk to me like I don’t matter.”

You: “I didn’t know you felt that way. Why didn’t you tell me then?”

Him: “Because I didn’t want to start an argument.”

So, you end up in a conversation that loops in circles until reaching a kind of understanding, but there’s a sinking feeling that it’ll happen all over again.

How do you stop it?

Here’s the breakdown, starting with that initial interaction — not the first ever, but one that highlights an ongoing pattern. In relationships, each conversation builds on previous ones, and the dynamics are established early, often before either of you even realizes it.

When you ask your ADHD partner, “What’s wrong?” you’re making an understandable but common mistake. You’re communicating as if he were a woman, where “What’s wrong?” typically elicits an open response.

But with an ADHD man, that question triggers a quick calculation: he’s trying to figure out the “right” answer, the one that stops you from worrying without requiring him to open up, because he’s likely dreading the potential conflict that could follow if he shares his true feelings.

You know “something” is wrong; the real question is, “Why won’t he tell me?” Women often pick up on the subtle, non-verbal signals men give off when they’re upset. Men, on the other hand, might be oblivious to their own cues. And it’s true, women’s ability to tune into emotional nuances is a skill honed from years of social conditioning and evolutionary adaptation.

So, try this next time: rather than asking directly, start with a statement. “Babe, I can tell something’s off. I know if I ask, you’ll probably say ‘nothing.’ I believe it’s something you want to tell me about my behavior but feel it might lead to an argument. Am I right?”

The key lies in inviting him to open up and then responding in a way that makes him feel safe to keep going. This shift in communication — bringing the unspoken into the open — could bring you closer than you imagined. However, it’s a delicate balance: this approach can either deepen your bond or lead him to retreat further, depending on how the conversation plays out.

If you’re curious about the best way to approach this for your specific relationship, and how to create a safe space for these crucial conversations, consider booking a free consultation. Together, we can explore more tailored strategies for understanding and connecting with your ADHD partner.

Want to read more? Learn about the KISS system for increasing communication in your relationship!

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